Major upset as surprise Turkey King wins

It was the greatest upset since Truman defeated Dewey when the votes for the 2001 Turkey King election were tallied last Friday, and a dark horse candidate came out of nowhere – literally – to claim the throne.

Newspaper editor Roger Estlack was thrust into power by a covert write-in campaign, which violated every rule of ethics and normal election processes. The campaign was so secretive that even Estlack himself had no idea what was going on.

Even more startling was the identity of the mastermind behind the write-in campaign – none other than front-runner Vic Jeter, who apparently was not joking when he said he didn’t want to be the king.

In the course of about seven days, Jeter raised more than $205 on the editor’s behalf by lying to people’s faces and claiming he was collecting money to elect chamber secretary Judy Burlin. (Burlin reportedly thought he was raising money for his friend and mentor, banker Jerry Woodard.) Jeter’s efforts were reportedly bolstered by local and out of town readers of The Clarendon Enterprise who had their pulley bones tickled by the weekly Turkey King reports and sent money in to elect Estlack.

All told, Estlack beat Jeter by a margin of $53.96. The banker reportedly put $30 of his own scratch in Estlack’s jar to insure his loss.

“I am stunned,” the editor said. “No one was more surprised than I was. But then that’s the greatness of America – one minute you’re pecking around in the dirt eating grasshoppers for groceries, the next you’re ruling the roost.”

Estlack said Jeter was a sneaky, dirty, little bird.

“Jeter had his secretary – the underhanded Debbie Hamilton – call me Friday before last to shake me down for five bucks to elect Judy [Burlin]. But she must have known it was for me. I refused to pay it because I don’t believe in write-in candidacies. I just had no idea how conniving those two really were.”

As a media representative and mild mannered reporter, Estlack was present at Linda and Buster Gray’s home Friday afternoon as Linda, along with Carolyn Blackerby and Judy Burlin, counted the votes, waiting until the last to open the mysterious write-in envelope. Before Estlack could recover from his shock, Jeter telephoned mere moments after the totals were read to offer his concession.

“Do we have a winner yet?” Jeter asked, laughing hysterically.

“You @*#%,” Estlack responded before regaining the composure befitting the King of Turkeys.

Jeter gave his word – for what it’s worth – not to contest the election and promised he would not call back to retract his concession.

By Saturday the king had settled comfortably into his duties, and peace and harmony marked his reign during the coronation before that evening’s street dance.

Following the crowning, the Turkey King called forth his royal subject, Vic Jeter, bade him kneel down, and commanded him to kiss his royal ring. Jeter graciously submitted to his monarch and was rewarded with a stack of turkey sandwiches (which had been sitting out in the hot sun all afternoon).

The King then introduced the Royal Family – his mother, the Queen Mum; his father, the Tom of Toms; his brother, the Crown Prince of Poultry; and the crown prince’s consort, Lady Red Feather.

His Highness is still seeking out all the parties responsible for his election so he can give them what they have coming to them, but he realizes that most of the turkeys in Donley County are good, decent people.

“I can’t make any big promises to the people,” he said. “I’m eternally grateful for their trust in me in bestowing this great honor. I will do my best to wear the crown with pride – or at least let it sit proudly on a shelf – and uphold the honor and dignity of the throne.”

Estlack’s win wasn’t the only surprise of the election. Local insurance salesman Walt Knorpp, who was stuck hopelessly in sixth place last Monday with only $13.01, was catapulted into third place when election judges opened his jar to find a pregnant vote – a one-dollar bill wrapped around a one-hundred-dollar bill.

That gave Knorpp a total of $114.01, and relegated Clarendon’s mayor, the popular Tex Selvidge, to only double-digit status. Selvidge had been Jeter’s closest competitor right up until the end, but he ended the competition with only $79.30.

The county seems to have mostly accepted its new king. Still some old, molting birds are not happy. They note a total of $661.40 was cast in the election and say that Estlack only garnered 31.1279 percent of the vote.

“He doesn’t have a mandate to govern,” said one protestor. “Jeter was right. This election wasn’t about the people’s will; it was all about money. Jeter knows what it’s really like for us turkeys. He’s one of us, and he should be the king today.”

To which the king responds, “Well, that’s just too bad. I’m in charge now, and County Attorney Kaye Messer assures me there is no way to overturn my election. We’re moving forward and not looking back.”